thunkgeek.com

From: petrala@fosterfirst.com
Subject: cracky Phartmacy

I found these lurking in the bottom left corner of the vending machine here at the office:

Yes, friends, Cherry Blasters with Flavour Bits. They’re even microwavable. For a measly $.85 who could resist. I consumed both “doughnuts” before examining the back of the package to discover with shock and dismay that the recommended serving was only one “doughnut.” What had I just put down my gullet? No less than 520 calories, 28 grams of fat and 64 grams of carbohydrate. Oh, and 4% of my daily intake of iron.

The things hit my stomach like 2 bricks and I am already starting to feel the effects. I did a quick search on google and found the following exchange from last year, evidently this product is slowly migrating across the country spreading its evil spawn to innocent vending machines everywhere:

From: James “Kibo” Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: unfortunate snack food name
Date: Fri, 12 Nov 2004 17:01:01 -0500

Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote:
>
> A new entry on the bottom row of the vending machine is a packet of two
> small donuts with little red spots, slathered in a quarter-inch of gooey,
> translucent white sugar glaze. I don’t plan to try them, for fear that
> their name might turn out to be all too apt: Cherry Blasters.

Mmm, I love imitation cherries. Who’s the manufacturer of this potentially
delicious treat? I’ll have to check the vending machines at my local
gas stations for them.

It’s the sort of thing which is guaranteed to give me an upset stomach
(just like Trix, Froot Loops, Skittles, and other things that combine
large amounts of sugar with artificial fruit flavor) but I don’t care,
I like anything that has polka dots _and_ a layer of varnish.

> Also it should be the name of a porn game and/or reality show.

I’m still waiting for someone to buy me a bottle of that annually
newsworthy Jones Turkey & Gravy Soda. Mmm, carbonated gravy.

Mail me anything and I’ll tell you how it tastes. (This offer limited
to items sold as food only. No large-bag garden supplies.)

— K.

They make cherry-flavored
condoms, but why don’t they
make turkey & gravy ones?

—————————————————–

From: James “Kibo” Parry (kibo@world.std.com)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: unfortunate snack food name
Date: Sat, 20 Nov 2004 02:46:08 -0500

Glenn Knickerbocker (NotR@bestweb.net) wrote:
>
> James “Kibo” Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote:
> >
> > Mail me anything and I’ll tell you how it tastes.
>
> I mailed it. Did you taste it?

Yes, I did. Thank you very much. The packet of Cherry Blasters
arrived yesterday, and here are the notes I typed up at the time:

Today I received the pair of Cherry Blasters in the mail. Thank you
very much for the, um, envelope containing two very flat doughnuts.
(The Post Office clearly had trouble squishing them flat enough to
cancel the envelope, as there were four or five postmarks stacked up.)

Because I usually pick up my mail when on my way out, and because
the only thing I had to carry the smushed doughnuts in is the little
black leather tote I keep my portable computer in, I figured I’d
better immediately attempt to eat the Cherry Blasters before they
got any more mangled. So, I did not attempt to microwave them,
even though the package assured me that was possible, because I am
currently on a subway train that doesn’t have a microwave.

Cherry Blasters are a stamped-out doughnut-shaped cake treat, very
fragile and crumbly (and now flat), with pink polka dots in the cake.
There is a layer of waxy, semi-opaque white frosting applied to one
face of each Cherry Blaster. Oddly, the cake had nearly disintegrated
in the mail but the indestructible frosting was still intact.

There are no solid bits of “cherry” in the Cherry Blasters. They
are simply cakes with random pink stains from drops of food coloring.
The flavor is… um… Twinkie-like. I could not have figured out
these were supposed to be a “cherry” product if they hadn’t told me.
They tasted like preservative-filled snack cakes with a little extra
citric acid.

I ate 3/4 of one and then my stomach started hurting in the same way
it does when I attempt to eat Trix, Froot Loops, Skittles, etc.

I have since recovered from eating the squished, diseased-looking
doughnut-shaped non-doughnut.

— K.

Oh, and the “cherry”
flavor reminded me
of Jar Jar.

Please let James and I not have suffered in vain. Don’t eat ‘em, please don’t eat ‘em.

Jon said it, not me.

seeing someone who doesn’t understand gear ratios riding a ten speed bike. The past few mornings on the way to work there’s been a kid furiously pedalling in a too low gear along the side of the road on an old ten speed. There’s a certain point in the exertion scale where the pedals just can’t turn any faster and the excess force gets transferred back up the legs and lifts the poor cyclist’s behind off the seat with every pedal stroke. I don’t know, maybe his bike is just broken, but I want to pull over and give the kid a demonstration every morning.

As it so happens, my newest sister-in-law is named Katrina. Her husband, my brother, is Andrew. We had quite a good time parodying headlines last weekend as the hurricane was poised to wreak havoc in the south. Of course the fun is now over. I have mixed feelings, myself. I haven’t really kept up to date on the whole situation, so my observations might even be completely without merit. However, I believe that when you fire a gun at the helicopter that is rescuing your neighbor, you more or less forfeit your own right to be rescued by that or any similar helicopter. When you resist the order imposed by a duly designated officer of the law, you forfeit your right to his assistance when your thousands of neighbors decide to crush you under their stampede.

I’m horrified at the images of destruction. I have a heart full of empathy for those who are suffering in the south. I’ve made contributions in an effort to assist. I truly hope that all may find the ability to let those who are working to help them do their jobs the way they have been trained, without interference or unwarranted negativity. Now is not the time to call names or to lay blame at the foot of one politician or another, whether on a national or local level. Now is a time for this country to pull together, as we have in other not all that previous tragedies, and help our fellow men.